“We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to learn to live together and if we are to live together we have to talk.”
– Eleanor Roosevelt
There are only two prevailing reasons for why anyone does anything: to avoid pain or gain pleasure. Either we seek out good experiences, or run from the bad ones. It’s this very hunter-gatherer type of mentality that can create stagnation within us. We’ve all had times in our lives where we have found ourselves trapped in stagnant circumstances and yet still happy. There is something new we want for ourselves; some pleasure that we fantasize about day and night. We dream of the day we will accomplish this goal, we may even plot a few of the steps out in our heads, but in the end it never happens. One day we look around to find that we’ve never even taken the first step toward what we wanted, but it doesn’t seem to matter too much, we say to ourselves. We’ll do it later, or maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. We know that this kind of stagnation happens, sometimes quite often, but what causes it and how can we counter act it?
Surprisingly the cause of this paralysis is exactly what could propel us out of it; our dreams. Our imaginations and our dreams are what tend to keep us in this prison of inactivity. If we didn’t spend so much time daydreaming about what we wanted to accomplish, we’d have accomplished it by now. The problem isn’t the time spent dreaming and scheming, it’s the fact that we’re too damn good at it. If our dreams weren’t so picture-perfect, we’d be more inclined to work for them.
I know, it sounds counterintuitive, but that’s only because it is.
Don’t Be Willy Loman
You see, the biggest reason that our dreams never make it from our head to reality is because we’re convinced that the reality could never be as good. Deep down inside, we feel as if the reality will only disappoint us and we’d rather spare ourselves the disappointment and just keep our perfect dreams. We like the dream more than we like the actual goal.
I’m a firm believer that we will always achieve what we truly desire and this is one more bit of proof of that. We’ve all heard stories of those people who held a desire inside themselves that was so strong they couldn’t leave it in their fantasies. The dreams were so powerful they just had to come out. That’s a sign of strong desire. The idle dreams that never manifest themselves are a sure sign that what you truly desired what the dream itself, not the subject of the dream.
So now, take a minute to think about all those dreams you have that just don’t seem to be coming to you the way you hoped they would and ask yourself what it is you truly want from them. Do you want the subject of your dream; do you want to achieve that goal? Or do you only want the fantasy? There’s nothing wrong with choosing the fantasy, it’s simply a choice you have to make. If you do discover that you only wanted the fantasy, that’s fine, now you don’t have to feel bad about never achieving that goal; it wasn’t something you really wanted in the first place. And you don’t have to give up the fantasy after this either; keep it, it’s comforting. Now you can start focusing more of your time on the goals that you really and truly want.
When I was younger, I wanted to be famous. I wanted to be the movie star on the red carpet going to my big premiere. I would arrive in a limo, looking immaculate. I would dine at the finest places and live in the largest house, taking my bows to the largest ovations. It would be wonderful. It didn’t take more than about a year of being an actor before I realized that that wasn’t really what I wanted. I don’t want to be famous at all. I wouldn’t mind being well known, or even have some fans, but massive fame isn’t something I desire in the slightest. I realized that I enjoyed fantasizing, but that fame wasn’t the reason I wanted to act, and I did still want to act. My passion for my craft has never waned, but I had to realize that what I really wanted was to be a working stage actor. That’s it. I just want to make a living being an actor on stage . . . with maybe a few fans to greet me at the stage door 
There’s no shame in admitting your fantasies are just that. We all have them; we all like to dwell in them from time to time, but don’t let them rule you. Getting too caught up in your dreams can distract you from the goals that you truly did want to achieve. One day you wake up to discover that you whittled all your time and energy into a dream that you had no intention of achieving and all the other dreams have passed you by. Face it, every actor wants to play Willy Loman
, but no one wants to be Willy Loman.
Don’t Be Cowed by Fear
So how do we get out of this inactive limbo? We’ve already covered the first step which is to choose what you really want to accomplish. Going after a goal half-heartedly is going to yield a half-hearted result. Garbage in—garbage out. Once you’ve discovered which goals you are truly passionate about, you’re ready to move into action mode.
Action mode is when you become confident enough in your knowledge to take the first steps toward success. People tend to stay out of action mode most of the time because of fear. In the last article, Propensity for Fear, I talked about fears and all of the things they can do to sabotage us. Fears of failure or fears of success are the main reasons people don’t go for their dreams with gusto. Sometimes we feel that we do not know enough to begin and we must wait until we do, which is fine unless you’re using it as an excuse never to start at all.
Lack of knowledge has always been my favorite excuse. I just love to say, “But I don’t know how to do that . . . (sniffle)” It wasn’t until I realized that it was just a big fat excuse for me to be lazy that I knew I had to change and just start learning as I went along. No one ever learns anything without trying it. I’ll bet you don’t remember one thing from your school days unless you still use it actively to this day. We learn best when we can make mistakes and figure out exactly what not to do for ourselves. Precursory knowledge is great, but don’t let it bog you down. Now, on the flipside, I’ve used this technique to my advantage before, taking time to learn enough to get me going. The technique itself isn’t flawed; it’s how you use it. Just make sure that your search for knowledge isn’t just a safety blanket.
This brings me to the biggest step of all: START. Your first steps don’t have to be life changing they just have to be taken. Don’t wait for that perfect moment, it will never come. Don’t wait for that magical piece of information, or that one perfect book to come along and present you with the answers you need; they won’t come. I’ve spent my life doing that, as well, and I can tell you from experience: you may as well just begin, because that missing key you’re waiting for doesn’t exist. Start moving forward, even if it isn’t entirely clear where you’re heading at first. Just move, start gaining momentum, even if you have to change directions later. Building momentum is the hard part. Achieve that and your other goals will fall quickly in line.
The key to all of this is something that I touched on in the last installment of this series, which is that we cannot rid ourselves of our fears. That’s not only impossible, but foolish. We need these fears, they are voices of reason to our adrenaline fueled, desire hungry brains. But just because they sometimes make good points doesn’t mean that you have to listen to them. Think of your fears as counselors, or advisors; they tell you all the angles from which you could encounter failure. Take their advice, watch out for what they warn you of, and make your own decisions. There’s nothing wrong with deciding that your fears are correct and that you shouldn’t continue forward with your goal. Just make sure that your decisions are conscious ones. Don’t get cowed by the voices in your head.
Face your fears and accept that they are valid. Accept that they are trying to help you, not hurt you. Accept that they may be right from time to time, but most importantly, accept that you have control over them. Your fears are in your mind and you control your mind absolutely. It may be difficult to break out of fear-based lethargy but just stick to small steps. Think of building that momentum and creating new and better habits. Soon, when your momentum is great enough, you won’t even have to give a second thought to your fears; you’ll have cowed them.
Remember that if what you want is worth having, then it’s worth working for. If, on the other hand, it’s only worth dreaming about, then don’t waste your energy or your time. There’s nothing wrong with admitting that your desires have changed. There is something terribly wrong with letting your desires fall behind your dreams.
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Comments
hi nice site.
‘Efforting’ is not a verb. There is no such word. Effort is a noun.
Thanks, Isabella, glad you liked the article.